Extrovert Alert, & Respecting the Process - and My Parents

Last night I found myself feeling a little depressed and in doubt about this whole London adventure. I went to an event that was fun but not really what I'd pictured it would be, and much more crowded, which stressed me out. Then I got home and was completely exhausted and, well, basically, I was being impatient and hard on myself. Thinking, "How am I ever going to make any progress here?" and "Why am I so tired?"

Then I did some journaling and such, remembered that it was really only my 3rd day here, and giggled at myself. This adventure is a birth process, just like anything worth doing, and it's going to have its own timing. It also occurred to me that, in a situation with so many unknowns, and so many strong desires floating around within my being, it would behoove me to keep my vibration as strong and positive as possible by being extra-vigilant about the quality of my thoughts.

Today I attended a 12-step meeting. Took me forever to get there, as I got quite lost. But I made up my mind that I would locate the venue, whether or not I made it to the meeting, so I would at least know where it was for next week. I wound up having a lovely (if rather chilly) tour of the Westminster/Kensington Gardens/Hyde Park area. Exquisitely beautiful. Even passed a building that a Lady with the last name "Bonham Carter" once lived in. Must be a relation to Helena.

Anyhoo, when I finally made it to the meeting, I volunteered to do service and wound up meeting some lovely members of the fellowship afterwards. That put me back on a high.

Then, instead of going to a Bruno Groening Circle of Friends meeting (you can google Bruno Groening), I decided to go home for a nap because I was totally exhausted. Here was an example of respecting the process: recognizing that finding one new place was enough for me today.

Upon arriving home, I had a very small experience of the difference between being a single young woman and being a parent, when my dad and stepmom both wanted to take naps, too, so I was in charge of watching my little sister for awhile. It was, I admit, a relatively new experience for me to not be able to follow my own personal energy level and mood and do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it (namely, take a luxurious bath and nap as soon as I landed at home). I'm not complaining. My sister was watching cartoons and Madeline was very amusing, with all the characters' French accents. I simply had an infinitesimal inkling of why my mother often says that your life is never the same after having children. So I suppose I'd multiply today's tiny experience of self-sacrifice by infinity and I'd have a slight idea of what it's like to be a parent. Maybe infinity squared. Or cubed. The point is, I bow at my parents feet, forever.

I did get to have a bath and a nap shortly afterwards, and then we all went to a dinner party nearby, where I met a wonderful older actress who was completely enchanting. She is so knowledgeable and cultured and elegant and warm, and was also delightfully encouraging of my aspirations around acting work here. Everyone else at the party was fun and interesting, too, and when we finally left, I felt absolutely aglow, realizing, for the umpteenth time in my life, that I am, in many ways, an extrovert, and as such, I am quite fueled by socializing and talking and meeting new people. It's like oxygen. Maybe because my moon is in Leo.

We also honored Earth Hour by having our dinner by candlelight. I have a suspicion that is very good for your adrenals and overall health. It has a calming effect and I like it!

Connecting with the Infinite

So now here I am in London, and I gotta say the beauty of this place is providing me with a level of emotional sustenance that's a little uncanny. It's stirring something in my soul, somehow. Maybe I've been here in a past life.

Today I took a long walk/run in Golders Green Park, which is right next to Hampstead Heath. It is ridiculously pretty, with little clusters of daffodils all over the green lawn, a gazebo, and a beautiful little garden. Unspeakably charming. I tromped up a trail into the woods and came upon Hill and Pergola Garden, which was already closed but I could see much of it from outside. It is full of colonnades and trellises and archways. In the misty gray evening, it felt very Secret Garden-esque. This was, of course, one of my favorite books as a kid. I even made a foam-core model of the house in the book for a school project.

The sun was beginning to set, and vertical beams of light streamed through the cloud cover. This was what I saw beyond the enchanted structures and foliage of the Hill and Pergola Garden, and the combination was absolutely heavenly.

In Love Without End, by Glenda Green, there is a discussion of how life-affirming it is for humans to connect with the infinite. The sun streaming through the clouds this evening was my conduit to the infinite for today, and I am so grateful for it.

Day Job vs. Going for Your Dreams - Mutually Exclusive?

I am about to embark on an adventure. Heading to London for 3 to 6 months, to explore the theater and music worlds there, and see what I can create, conjure, manifest. Since I'm soon to be a bit more of a globetrotter, I'm thinking I'd like to be writing here more regularly. I'm gonna try for once a week.

Today I heard that there was an article in the newspaper (which I rarely read myself) talking about how the challenging job market is causing new college graduates to go after dreams that they might not otherwise. I guess since the big I-banking companies aren't offering security (which is an illusion, anyway), there's nothing left to do except go for what you really want. I think this is pretty fabulous. Not that I think the instability of the economy is fabulous, but this trend is certainly fabulous.

Of course I've had my own particular journey around the balance of structured day job-type work and going for my dreams. And over the past year or so, I've come to see that often my avoidance of structured, money-earning work outside of my artistic field has been quite counterproductive to my progress towards my dreams. Lately I've had steadier work in my "day job" (I put this in quotes because I don't work 9 to 5, 5 days a week), and steadier income, and have been paying my bills on time and having a stabler bank account.

Is it a coincidence that during this time I have also had my writing published for the first time (in a bestselling anthology, no less), and have written my first song? I think not.

What a load of crap I've been feeding myself all these years! It's amazing how much more free and creative and connected to the abundance of the Universe I feel now that I'm showing up for the realities of money and time in my life. I am hopeful, and faithful, that this positive trend will continue.

The Chai Continues & What About the Crankies?

2 things:

1 - The next time I went into the Pret a Manger to get a chai, he didn't give it to me for free but he did give me a large for the price of a regular. At first he said, "What size do you want?" and before I could answer, he said, "Oh yeah! You're getting a large for the regular price." And when he presented me with the chai with the perfect cinnamon star on top, he paused and said, "Let's have a moment of silence for this," and I said, "What a masterpiece!" and we giggled. When I left the shop, I was smiling and feeling lighter.

2 - In case you're wondering, no, I am not always in the flow or tuned into the positive energy or happy-go-lucky. In fact, it is a constant discipline for me to bring myself back there. And sometimes I deliberately choose not to bring myself there because I can see there's too much of what I like to call "static on the line" - meaning, I'm too flummoxed and cranky to go right to joy or appreciation. So it's better to go deeper into the cranky first. Today I woke up later than anticipated (after having spent too much time watching TV and going to bed too late last night) and was feeling generally cranky and displeased to be awake and in my life. So instead of proceeding with my plans for the day, I decided it was time to do something about how I was feeling, since I have noticed an increased tendency to medicate myself with TV or other avoidance tactics over the past few days.

So I wrote a long thing about everything I was frustrated about and scared about and hated myself over, etc., etc. And by the end I had such insight into what the overall, underlying issues were, and such appreciation for how much I'm growing. And eventually I got sort of tired of that head space and wanted to come back to the other side. So I did. But I wouldn't have been able to do so if I hadn't fully allowed myself to go into the dark side. Writing, venting, crying - whatever it takes.

And that exercise did not solve all of my problems in an hour but it did shift my consciousness, so I know the rest of my day will be rooted in an entirely different emotional and mental space, which will affect my mood AND my productivity.

Ta ta for now!

Bad-Ass Bug Battler Starring in a Movie!

Hi All,

Just a quick note to let you know that a filmmaker friend of mine, who has recently been making films about modern-day goddesses, was so taken with the Bad-Ass Bug Battler character that she has decided to make her the central character in her next film. Whee!!!

Stay tuned for more details . . .

Why Butterfly story in upcoming anthology

By the way, abundance is coming to me in a multitude of expected and unexpected ways, one of which is that my first posting on this blog (Why Butterfly?) will be published as part of an anthology entitled Audacious Creativity, which will be out in the next couple of months. I am honored by this development, which happened rather synchronistically and effortlessly.

Stay tuned for updates on the anthology, and information on the wonderful teachers included in it.

I'm Being Helped

Last night I did a ritual to tune into the energetic power of 11/11. It was designed by an energy healer I know named Jennifer Matthews. Today I've been repeating some mantras/affirmations that are connected to that ritual. In addition, I said my prayers this morning and pulled a Goddess card (Doreen Virtue's deck). The Goddess card was Abundantia, which basically means abundance and prosperity is coming to you. Instead of scoffing at this card, like I did last time I pulled it a week or two ago (thinking, "Yeah right! I'm not seeing any abundance. Why do you keep getting this card? It's such a crock!"), I read the various meanings to myself slowly, and rejoiced that I had received the card and set the expectation that this would be true for me today.

And I set a plan for what money I was going to spend for the day, and on what.

On my way to work, I noticed that the scaffolding had been removed from the front facade of one of the blocks that I walk on every day to get to work. It was so refreshing to have so much light on that sidewalk, and to see the front of the building, which is quite beautiful, with metal scrolling and various other embellishments on it (the building is near Grand Central Station, you may be familiar with this style of some of the buildings near there). I decided to go into Pret a Manger to buy myself some lunch, even though I was late for work, because five more minutes wouldn't make a big difference and I was very hungry.

The guy who rang me up asked why I didn't buy any coffee with my meal and I told him I don't usually drink coffee, so he suggested coming back later today for a chai. He told me he makes the best chai. I asked him when he works until. He said 3:30. I decided I just might go back, even though chai wasn't in my spending plan for the day. He was so charming and I thought it'd be fun to return as a little break in my day.

Of course I almost forgot until at about 3, I started to get a little sleepy and hungry. So, I went back, and he remembered me right away and said, "You're here for the chai." I smiled and nodded "yes." And I waited while he finished helping another customer. Every time the other guy behind the counter asked if someone needed help, I waved the other people behind me in line forward, saying, "I'm being helped." That felt lovely.

And before I knew it, I was presented with a beautiful, foamy chai latte with a star design in cinnamon atop the foam, and my friend was singing "Happy Birthday" to me, and I was blushing. Both men smiled. I told my friend that my birthday wasn't for another three weeks. When he rang me up, he discounted my chai because it was my first time trying his chai. Then the other guy, who I think is the manager, adjusted it and the register read "$0.00," because, he said, "It was my first time."

When I exclaimed how kind that was, they said to tell all their friends. Then my friend said, "Then they'll all come wanting it for free." I assured him that part would be our little secret.

This made my day. And it felt like a sign that I'm tuning into the stream of pure, positive energy and abundance.

"I'm being helped." How true that is.

A side note: When I returned to work and shared with my (male coworker) what had happened, he kept asking if the guys at Pret had wanted my phone number in return, and he said they were hitting on me. That may or may not be the case, but why is it that men so often assume the worst about other men? Have we forgotten that flirtation can be innocent and fun and light, without expectations or bargains involved? As Regena Thomashauer, aka Mama Gena, says, flirting is defined as "enjoying oneself in another's company." After all, eros is the life force and we can all use a little extra shot of it every now and then in the midst of the work day, within reason, of course.