Saturday, March 28, 2009

Extrovert Alert, & Respecting the Process - and My Parents

Last night I found myself feeling a little depressed and in doubt about this whole London adventure. I went to an event that was fun but not really what I'd pictured it would be, and much more crowded, which stressed me out. Then I got home and was completely exhausted and, well, basically, I was being impatient and hard on myself. Thinking, "How am I ever going to make any progress here?" and "Why am I so tired?"

Then I did some journaling and such, remembered that it was really only my 3rd day here, and giggled at myself. This adventure is a birth process, just like anything worth doing, and it's going to have its own timing. It also occurred to me that, in a situation with so many unknowns, and so many strong desires floating around within my being, it would behoove me to keep my vibration as strong and positive as possible by being extra-vigilant about the quality of my thoughts.

Today I attended a 12-step meeting. Took me forever to get there, as I got quite lost. But I made up my mind that I would locate the venue, whether or not I made it to the meeting, so I would at least know where it was for next week. I wound up having a lovely (if rather chilly) tour of the Westminster/Kensington Gardens/Hyde Park area. Exquisitely beautiful. Even passed a building that a Lady with the last name "Bonham Carter" once lived in. Must be a relation to Helena.

Anyhoo, when I finally made it to the meeting, I volunteered to do service and wound up meeting some lovely members of the fellowship afterwards. That put me back on a high.

Then, instead of going to a Bruno Groening Circle of Friends meeting (you can google Bruno Groening), I decided to go home for a nap because I was totally exhausted. Here was an example of respecting the process: recognizing that finding one new place was enough for me today.

Upon arriving home, I had a very small experience of the difference between being a single young woman and being a parent, when my dad and stepmom both wanted to take naps, too, so I was in charge of watching my little sister for awhile. It was, I admit, a relatively new experience for me to not be able to follow my own personal energy level and mood and do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it (namely, take a luxurious bath and nap as soon as I landed at home). I'm not complaining. My sister was watching cartoons and Madeline was very amusing, with all the characters' French accents. I simply had an infinitesimal inkling of why my mother often says that your life is never the same after having children. So I suppose I'd multiply today's tiny experience of self-sacrifice by infinity and I'd have a slight idea of what it's like to be a parent. Maybe infinity squared. Or cubed. The point is, I bow at my parents feet, forever.

I did get to have a bath and a nap shortly afterwards, and then we all went to a dinner party nearby, where I met a wonderful older actress who was completely enchanting. She is so knowledgeable and cultured and elegant and warm, and was also delightfully encouraging of my aspirations around acting work here. Everyone else at the party was fun and interesting, too, and when we finally left, I felt absolutely aglow, realizing, for the umpteenth time in my life, that I am, in many ways, an extrovert, and as such, I am quite fueled by socializing and talking and meeting new people. It's like oxygen. Maybe because my moon is in Leo.

We also honored Earth Hour by having our dinner by candlelight. I have a suspicion that is very good for your adrenals and overall health. It has a calming effect and I like it!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Connecting with the Infinite

So now here I am in London, and I gotta say the beauty of this place is providing me with a level of emotional sustenance that's a little uncanny. It's stirring something in my soul, somehow. Maybe I've been here in a past life.

Today I took a long walk/run in Golders Green Park, which is right next to Hampstead Heath. It is ridiculously pretty, with little clusters of daffodils all over the green lawn, a gazebo, and a beautiful little garden. Unspeakably charming. I tromped up a trail into the woods and came upon Hill and Pergola Garden, which was already closed but I could see much of it from outside. It is full of colonnades and trellises and archways. In the misty gray evening, it felt very Secret Garden-esque. This was, of course, one of my favorite books as a kid. I even made a foam-core model of the house in the book for a school project.

The sun was beginning to set, and vertical beams of light streamed through the cloud cover. This was what I saw beyond the enchanted structures and foliage of the Hill and Pergola Garden, and the combination was absolutely heavenly.

In Love Without End, by Glenda Green, there is a discussion of how life-affirming it is for humans to connect with the infinite. The sun streaming through the clouds this evening was my conduit to the infinite for today, and I am so grateful for it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Day Job vs. Going for Your Dreams - Mutually Exclusive?

I am about to embark on an adventure. Heading to London for 3 to 6 months, to explore the theater and music worlds there, and see what I can create, conjure, manifest. Since I'm soon to be a bit more of a globetrotter, I'm thinking I'd like to be writing here more regularly. I'm gonna try for once a week.

Today I heard that there was an article in the newspaper (which I rarely read myself) talking about how the challenging job market is causing new college graduates to go after dreams that they might not otherwise. I guess since the big I-banking companies aren't offering security (which is an illusion, anyway), there's nothing left to do except go for what you really want. I think this is pretty fabulous. Not that I think the instability of the economy is fabulous, but this trend is certainly fabulous.

Of course I've had my own particular journey around the balance of structured day job-type work and going for my dreams. And over the past year or so, I've come to see that often my avoidance of structured, money-earning work outside of my artistic field has been quite counterproductive to my progress towards my dreams. Lately I've had steadier work in my "day job" (I put this in quotes because I don't work 9 to 5, 5 days a week), and steadier income, and have been paying my bills on time and having a stabler bank account.

Is it a coincidence that during this time I have also had my writing published for the first time (in a bestselling anthology, no less), and have written my first song? I think not.

What a load of crap I've been feeding myself all these years! It's amazing how much more free and creative and connected to the abundance of the Universe I feel now that I'm showing up for the realities of money and time in my life. I am hopeful, and faithful, that this positive trend will continue.